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Along this journey, I found Health at Every Size and it deeply connected to what I already knew in my heart. I had let go of the messages of my youth about appearances, body image, and shame for no longer being thin. My family of origin has deeply held beliefs about public appearances. Happiness, perfect behavior, beauty, and wealth were important images to project. In many ways, these images still are thread through my family life today. It has been hard for me to grow beyond these original values to a focus on the truth in my heart which includes the values of vulnerability, simplicity, and being of service through advocacy. These values are very much in-line with HAES.
- HAES promotes size diversity and in both my ministerial and personal life I have found a love of supporting all diversity, so this particular HAES value fits me well.
- Trusting my body to know what it needs is something I wish I was taught in my early days. My body speaks to me consistently and like my intuition, is usually spot-on. HAES teaches people to listen to their inner voice and body signals to understand that they will tell you what you need.
- Health is such an important motivator and appearances are a mirage. I remember telling a dear friend earlier in my life that I could totally get into promoting food from the earth and connecting our eating habits to our animalistic nature. HAES emphasizes healthy choices for our bodies.
- Movement and its benefits have become evident to me as I work in hospitals with older and ill communities. While there are certainly some who are very fit and very healthy that I meet in the hospital, the majority of people need simple movement and use of their bodies in old age. Connecting fitness to this seems so much more logical to me than the projected images of total strength and zero fat that seem important in our younger years. I have long hated exercise and it is genuine torture to force myself. I am doing it but finding the ways that are a bit more fun has been very important.
- Fighting weight stigma is so in tune with who I am at my core. Those who know me will tell you I've been calling out stereotyping, racism, ageism, and upholding feminist values since I was a little kid (when I was being true to my inner nature). I think I came out of the womb arguing with my parents about how racism is outlandishly ridiculous. As my awareness has grown with age my fight and advocacy have grown as well. HAES helps to bring information to the world to help fight stereotypes applied to fat people.
On to Bariatric Surgery and how I can possibly have done this while still holding up HAES values. Many people within the HAES movement have taken a seemingly all-or-nothing approach. This is an approach that runs rampant in our culture. You're either liberal or conservative, fat or thin, celebrate big bodies or shame big bodies, and of course, you're either very healthy or are a junk eating couch potato. In reading and participating in HAES groups on social medial over the last few years, I have seen alarming negativity applied to those who have chosen to diet or resort to bariatric surgery. I find in my circles it reminds me of people who advocate for inclusivity but offer put-downs and anger toward those who are still learning. All are welcome unless you "just don't get it." Having boundaries to protect yourself is great but when those boundaries become exclusion, you have gone too far in my opinion.
In my journey, I first looked at lap-band surgery in 2010 after my mother had the surgery and my parents were encouraging me to also make a change. My mom has been very happy with the outcome of her surgery and is still doing well many years later. I had a consult and my husband and I decided we were not interested, mostly for safety reasons. There were other reasons like cost and my inner-voice telling me that I had not really even tried to lose weight yet. So it all began with diet and exercise like it does for most people. Never worked, like it never works for most people in the long run. Then I became pregnant and my world became about being a mom.
As I mentioned above, our first child in 2011 took a huge toll on my body. I had kidney damage as a baby and had always worried about the toll of carrying a baby would have on my kidneys. I had no idea about pre-eclampsia, its effects on immune systems, nor what general fatigue could do to my overall health. I also didn't really see how bad it was until I enrolled in a clinical residency to pursue my ministry in chaplaincy. About four months into my residency I was sick so frequently that I really was afraid I would get kicked out of the program. It was shortly after that when I dug in on how to improve my overall health. I found a doctor that was not primarily concerned with obesity as the primary target of my ailing health. I shared with this physician my health journey and he helped me get on the road to overall wellbeing through food choices, supplements, better thyroid management, and mental health.
From 2012 until 2019 I pushed through and worked the steps to be healthier and better able to function as a chaplain, mom, wife, and even daughter during my dad's terminal cancer. My mental health always would cause troubles here and there and when I had bouts of depression I would gain weight. Over the years I gained about 40 lbs. I don't know why but when I go over 300 lbs is where my body starts to have bigger issues with blood pressure, reflux, pain in my feet, and pre-diabetes. I would try to keep my weight under 300 with diet and could lose a few pounds here and there, however as depression would come back, the original weight plus a few more pounds would come as well. Near the end of 2019, I was in so much pain when I would work a shift that I would avoid seeing patients just to avoid the pain and non-stop sweating. I was constantly drenched. I have always been a heavy sweater but now it was unbearable.
It is at 300 lbs that my journey stops being about non-dieting but rather, health for me knowing I need to be under 300 lbs. 300lbs is way off the charts BMI according to doctors. 300 lbs is a size 24 on my tall frame and is an unreasonable size in society. However, at 300 lbs I can move easily and even exercise, I do not need blood pressure meds nor reflux meds. In February 2020 I was 345 lbs and needed to do something for my health.
I found a physician through the hospital system where I work that does bariatric surgery and insists it is considered metabolic surgery. He insists on focusing on nutrient-dense plant-based diets. He insists on a lifetime of health coaching and guidance that can be assisted by bariatric surgery. I will say he is more willing to do the riskier bypass surgery which I am not comfortable with. The statistics show I would not lose as much as my surgeon thinks I could but I still chose gastric sleeve.
I am not worried about getting "skinny" again. I am quite content at 299 lbs. I chose to go with the VSG surgery with a goal weight of 250 knowing that over time it would creep back up. Hopefully, I will only have mobility issues again when I'm ready to sit down more permanently. Right now, in my career and parenting stage, I need the freedom that comes with lots of movement. I need to be 250 lbs for my health and my personal goals.
I am now about to reach my 6-month surgiversary and am happily at 275. My goal is within reach. I am free from pain. I am still focused on fighting weight stigma and promoting how healthy and happy I am at a size 20/22 and BMI well into the upper 20s. I still listen to my body and know what I need. I still could care less about my appearance being thin. I don't hold my tongue when people comment on how good I look and I do my best to re-route the conversation to health and how I feel. I am able to move with an actual intention to exercise my body. I am building strength and muscles because I know it's what my body wants and needs. I know I will be fat, beautiful, strong and my body will not hold me back from my personal goals.
🕊Peace🕊
