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I remember the first time I was aware that I was being feminist shamed. I was in seminary and a fellow seminarian would often make snarky comments to classmates when their theology wasn't in-line with her thinking, especially if she deemed it "cupcakes and rainbows in the sky." Once her eye-roll in my direction triggered my people-pleasing mind. What could she possibly be upset about with my point of view? What am I doing wrong? All these years later my guess is she may have grown up around someone who did the same to her when they didn't like her opinion. I'm guilty of these eye-rolls and I am sure most of us do it at least once in a while. Today, at least, I'm not as wrapped up in appearing to be an error-free feminist as I was in seminary.
It has remained important to be an error-free feminist when it comes to parenting our daughter. When I learned I was having a daughter I started to dream of my little creation's contributions to the world. My parenting dreams revolved around helping her grow in an environment where she knew she was as capable as anyone and her value lies in her presence, brains, and contributions to the world. I had dreams of her being a mini-me not in appearances but in values.
Our daughter (MM) was born in March 2014. From the moment she came out of the womb people made comments about her beauty. Literally, several people in the delivery-room took an audible inhale followed by oohs and aahs when they delivered her, c-section style, from my womb. I was alarmed and asked what was wrong but they said "oh wait until you see her hair!" Her hair became her claim to fame in the first year. Strangers would comment and ask to touch her hair in public so frequently I made sure she was wearing a hat when we went out just to avoid all the stranger germs. Eventually, people took notice of her beauty entirely saying she is like a "doll" you can buy in a store.
Additionally, culture all around me was showering her with princess gifts, comments on her beauty, and media aggrandized low-hanging-fruit as values. I knew it would be a fight but I always believed I could win by keeping most of it away from our lives. I fought as much as I could for six years. Now, my New Year's Resolution for 2021 is to let my daughter "be a princess." This long post is an explanation of how and why I now support my daughter's dreams of being a princess. I will not feminist shame my daughter, nor myself for embracing her royal dreams, no matter how much my brain tries to frighten me with worries about the long-term consequence.
In addition to the princess fight, we also had some unique personality traits that we weren't quite prepared to handle. She had significant stranger danger and I was called back to daycare more than once to help calm her. By eight months old MM was routinely screeching loudly for some strange reason. I know lots of kids squeal but this was different, imagine squeaky breaks. Luckily around 17 months she started speaking words which helped to change the screeching to expressing her needs more coherently. She could better express her big emotions/thoughts and did so with gusto! She remained(s) very loud. I think she is gifted to be on stage because she could easily project to the back of the room. The poor kid has been told to quiet down multiple times per day every-day for years. I recently read an article about a woman who is naturally loud. I really empathized with her, and in-turn, MM. After reading that article, I think I'm ready to let go of hoping MM will learn how to use an inside-voice.
MM was a typical toddler in my eyes. She enjoyed growling at me, tackling us (we eventually nicknamed her Brutella), and clinging to both daddy and me. She loved to hold hands and gave the best hugs. The way she wrapped her arms around the neck radiated love. By twenty months she loved sparkles, hats, and shoes. At twenty-four months she loved fragranced lotions, tutus, and Minnie Mouse. She began to perform songs and dances in her sparkles. At two and a half, she loved to fake cry, moan dramatically, and began insisting everything in her world be pink. I now think her love of putting on a big show caused me to be a bit dismissive of her displays of anger and aggression. "Brutella" continued well into her fifth year and escalated in various ways. At three she would scream at us when she was angry, disregard authority, and push-buttons to be mean. I was very happy to kiss two and three goodbye knowing I would never have another toddler to raise. Four was very different because I was wrapped up in grief. She remained committed to being a princess and talked about growing her hair like Rapunzel, wanting costumes, and worked to improve her posture. Honestly, that year is kind of a blur to me between my dad's care, death, and then planning a move to Houston, Texas.
We moved to Houston in January 2019 and have remained. During her fifth and sixth years the princess goal has become even more serious. She even asked me to make her a "princess manual" with guidance on what she has to do in order to be a princess someday. I begrudgingly created a binder but made sure the princess printouts focused on character values.
https://www.wikihow.com/Behave-Like-a-Princess
I've tried to guide her away from Disney Princess and more toward the concept of a modern princess in general.
Weaving together her desires to be a princess and my observations of her behavior has been a long story and I appreciate you hanging in there with me while I set up this moment for New Year 2021. In the last six months, MM's behavior has escalated to a level that has caused us as parents to fear for her health, safety, and future adulthood.
- throwing things in anger
- picking and knawing mindlessly to the point of self-harm and destruction of property
- yelling hateful comments in such rage she has no idea what she said when she calms down
- lying and sneaking
- playing rough and rowdy willing to hurt others
- intentionally disrupting others to get attention
- refusal of any and all direction and guidance for responsibilities within the family
- back and forth between whining and wanting to be a baby cared for by mommy and yelling at us that she is a big girl and should have more rights
- inability to clean-up after herself
- outbursts and frustration
- clinginess to me (because I am a grounding presence because I'm so calm and organized)
- dancing at church
- kindness and respect
- honesty
- graceful in speaking
- being responsible and a team player for "Team Mills"
